I was 25 or so the first time I went to therapy as an adult. I was living in NYC, working full time, and lived with my partner of several years. The past was catching up with me in ways I did not have the capacity to handle on my own, and my partner thought that I would be well served by going to therapy. Since the beginning of our relationship I saw how meaningful and impactful therapy was in her life and for our relationship. But still I was nervous. I felt shame about asking for help, but I was willing to try. Perhaps to help move the process along, my partner volunteered to make a post on her Facebook asking for therapist recommendations. She did not specify for whom, but she was perfectly comfortable letting people assume it was for her. I am forever grateful for her suggestion of therapy.
Several years later as my relationship with her was falling apart, I knew I needed to go back to therapy. I had been trying to navigate the beginning of our relationship’s end on my own, or with her (which was inherently problematic). But I had also begun opening up to my friends, both women and men, about what was going on and what I was experiencing. To some extent I had to, because early on, when things really started to take a turn, anxiety settled in my stomach like a softball sized boulder of anxiety. I sustained myself on little more than coffee for a month and lost about twenty pounds. My pain was manifest on my body. First alone, then amongst friends, and finally with the support of a mental health professional. I got through the breakup, not entirely unscathed, but alive.
This is not to say that I did not put an undue and unfair amount of burden on my partner throughout our relationship—and absolutely during our breakup year—requiring of her the unpaid emotional labor so typical of heterosexual relationships in our culture. I was certainly a gold digger of emotional labor for years in that relationship. I had her, so what else, or who else, could I possibly need or want? The degree that this added to our eventual break up cannot be understated.
Men’s isolation, particularly as they age, and dependence on their partners or wives for emotional support and friendship is a topic we have covered before. But it is worth revisiting particularly when alternatives can be offered. One solution for this phenomenon, as explored by Melanie Hamlett in the linked article, are men’s support groups that intentionally create space for men to bond, express their emotions, and develop friendships, thereby taking the burden of emotional labor off of their primary partnerships or other women in their lives.
I have co-facilitated support groups for adult men who identify as victim/survivors of sexual violence, and it can be a truly transformative experience. When men come together with a dedication to honesty, openness, and vulnerability, amazing things happen. In particular, the experience of hearing one’s own experiences echoed or mirrored by the experiences of another man, can be a powerful moment for healing, connection, and growth.
Read the full article via Harpers Bazaar and check out one of the sources for how to start up and facilitate your own men’s group (full disclosure, I cannot vouch for this source, though I have downloaded the e-book and plan to read it this summer, after which I will either delete this link or provide a complete review. – BG)
– Brett Goldberg
