“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed, exactly as it is.”
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One of the first things I was taught when I began my 40-hour training to become a certified Advocate for victim/survivors of sexual violence, was that our job was to “support and validate” the people with whom we worked. Those three words are probably the most common refrain spoken around the office or in discussions about our work. Support and validate. Our purpose was not to heal people, or fix them, or give them advice. We certainly did not have the capacity to save them. But we listened. We acknowledged their pain and their experiences. We validated that what they experienced was not ok, it was not their fault, and that however they have or are reacting to their experience is ok too. There is no one right way to experience trauma, to grieve, or to heal.
Support and validate. What happens to you matters.
These were strangers and our interactions with them might be momentary or carry on for weeks or months. Sometimes it was hard not to internalize their pain, or feel it along with them. When someone we love is hurting, it may hurt us even more. We want to make them feel better, we want to take their pain away. We want to help them see the bright side of things. Maybe, we do not want to feel their pain by proxy.
According to Refuge In Grief, the most supportive thing we can do for someone in pain, heartache, or grief is to just listen. To bear witness. To acknowledge their hurt and to let them sit with it. But they do not have to sit with it alone. We can sit with them.
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This short video created by Megan Devine of Refuge In Grief explains more and is well worth a few minutes of your time.
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Support and validate. Witness.
– Brett Goldberg
(The video is also subtitled in Spanish and French, so share widely!)
